Love Stinks

I had to return his sweetest flowers...

I had to return his sweetest flowers…

I fell in love this summer, and I fell hard. Not just a fun summer love, but a deep guttural, soul wrenching love. I would have eaten him alive just to get him in belly I loved him so much and he seemed to love me the same.

As a single mom, I take great care with who I bring around my boys. I’ve made previous mistakes and try not to repeat them, but there was something about this guy that made me want him around us at all times. My kids loved him and I loved him with my kids. He claimed to love them as well. He fit in right away. My kids have never had a father and this male bonding thing warmed the shackles of my heart. It also created an insane fear of losing the “family” we were creating. Once this family bonding bridge was crossed, it was crazy what I would accept and forgive from this guy. (It’s also crazy how other people all have an opinion on what I should accept or forgive and how freely they offer their opinion.) It seems that most of my married friends are only still married for the kids. I now understand the need to keep the family together. For me, however, it was more than just the family. i really loved him.

Where is the line drawn between being a pushover and working on a relationship? I don’t know. I have never had a healthy relationship so I can’t see the forest from the trees. The last month was a rough one. He had cold feet and dumped me. It was only 2 weeks and he came back admitting he made the biggest mistake of his life. It was the longest two weeks of my life, so of course I forgave him. He swore it was forever if he was to come back and that he really wanted this. We were spending every second together and talking about getting engaged (again). He started looking for flights to Florida in November….he was allegedly planning on asking me then.

Recently, he had a bit too much to drink and asked me to grab something out of his car. When I went out, I saw his phone was left in the car too, so I brought it in. The nervous look on his face when I handed him the phone was so puzzling, that after he fell asleep, I had to peek. What could he be hiding? We had been spending all of our time together. There it was…. he had been planning on meeting on ex girlfriend. There were a few days of inappropriate texts between them. Thinking about each other in the shower, etc. He was literally texting her and I at the same time. He called her my pet names. They must have been talking about why he second guessing our relationship,as she made references to it, but at the end of the text exchange, he did the right thing. He backed out of meeting her because he wanted to make us work. I know he did because he was with me the night of their “arrangement”.

I laid there all night wondering what to do? Part of me wanted to suffocate him with a pillow, the other half wanted to pretend I didn’t see it. I was so afraid of losing him, and I loved him so much, that I really considered pretending I didn’t see it. I’m also a hot head, so instead I texted the slut from his phone and told her I knew, and then I went through every text he ever sent to anybody and forwarded every shady thing said about me to my own phone. I was crazed. I was hurt. I was broken.

Once confronted, he was sorry. He made a big show about how is dick didn’t actually go inside of her, but that wasn’t really the point. He betrayed our family again. That weekend was torture. He had friends in from out of town and we knew we weren’t going to see each other, but I still knew that if he made an effort to see me, I would have forgiven him. He never made that effort and actually ignored me. This makes him either an asshole or too immature to deal with the issue. Again, such a fine line and I’m not sure which is his truth. I was left alone with my thoughts and these stupid texts that I had sent to myself. I read them over and over again. Still wishing I never knew.

A few days have passed, and I find myself staring at my phone hoping for some contact. Does this make me a pushover or does it just mean that I was in love? I’ve had lots of people ask why I would have given him a second chance? Don’t people make mistakes and can’t we forgive? A good friend suggested that I let him prove himself to me and make sure he is sincere in his apology. What could a man ever do to prove that they won’t hurt you or your family again? I don’t know the answer to that one either. I always assumed that a woman who stays with her man after he cheated was weak…maybe they are the strong ones. The knowledge is an insane burden to bear. I finish this post with the realization that I when it comes to relationships, I have never liked being in them, but I really did like this one and I will miss it very much.

6 thoughts on “Love Stinks

  1. Jane s says:

    Wow I feel so bad for you cause he seemed to be a great guy, but there has to be a reason why he is still single. Some where there a fellow just for you and you will find him one day ,but you still have two of the greatest kids in the world. Love you

  2. MsKnowitAll says:

    We kinda screw ourselves we we actively look and invade someone’s privacy. I have some texts and emails that can be misconstrued and I have never cheated on anyone in my life.

    With that being said, please delete those poisonous texts IMMEDIATELY! You give them energy ever time you read them. STOP!!!

    I must have a warped sense of relationships because men who sneak and watch porn, or text side chicks are the same to me. Mental masturbation is what I call it. My mind is stimulated by shopping, presents and alcohol so it’s kinda the same thing. When he watches porn I take that mofo’s credit card and I go shopping and I buy drinks afterwards.

    Everybody is stimulated and we all win…

  3. Kathleen Moore says:

    Wow Holly…You took me on a whole Journey..You are Right..We do anything for our kids, and you need to clear your head and follow your heart. We are all human, we screw up. But it’s okay to Love and still Love. It’s your Heart, Your Shoes, and who you want to grow old with. It will come to you. You are Beautiful…Remember, his silence is Probally because He didn’t have just you to Love…..He had 3 of you to Love..and 3 whom he was loved By..Xo

  4. Janet Tolar says:

    I’m so sorry Holly. I’ve been in that situation so many times it just hurts me to know you are going through it now! When you love so deeply, I believe it’s a natural response to want to preserve that love. I don’t think it is a reflection of weakness, but instead a testimony to our hope, strength, and faith in others. Forgiveness is hard and unfortunately can’t always be done. At some point, I arrived at a significant realization that trust is a foundation in any relationship. If I couldn’t trust, I couldn’t truly love or be loved! In hindsight, these experiences do mold who we are and who we become. The great news is you will love again. Take it from me, I DID! You will find it in the most unlikely of times and places. Have faith in love, it’s got plans for you! Hugs!

  5. Brenda says:

    Holly, I don’t know you very well, just through other friends, but I have to say, I really like your writing, and what you have to say. I think your thoughts, and feelings, are important, and provide a little bit of self-realization for those of us lucky enough to read your blog. I’ve had bad relationships, too – so I can relate. I’ve also felt the pain you’ve felt – more than once. So, I get it. Just keep being you, and some day, something absolutely fabulous will happen.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *